I’m still hoping for the rain to come because dry season has yet to end. 😒 Mr. Hairline has been the only man I’ve dated for about a month and he has my attention. I think about him often and while he makes a point to check in with me via text daily, his messages are surface-level. He doesn’t ask me many questions about myself and seems to be perfectly fine going long periods between dates. After three months of dating, this doesn’t feel like the energy of a man who’s applying pressure. I know what it feels like to be adored while dating – this doesn’t feel like that.
While a deep connection with Hairline feels out of reach to me, something had told me early on, after our first date, that I should take it slow with him. When he revealed that he felt called to be a pastor in the future, I had a brief freakout moment and had to take my existential panic to God.
A pastor’s wife, God? Really, I prayed.
I grew up in the Black church and while I still attend church and I’m serious about my faith, I have no desire to return to the legalism and bondage that runs rampant through the church community.
I came out of that prayer with a clear directive: take your time with him. This up-in-the-air response was different from the clear directives I’ve received in the past.
A fool’s prayer
You see, I’m not afraid to admit that I have prayed some dumb prayers in the past. While entertaining a relationship that I had no business entertaining, I once prayed in church, “God if this is not meant for me, let all hell break loose.”
WHY WOULD I PRAY THAT?
I couldn’t have prayed “God, if he isn’t the one, show me a purple Lamborghini today.” Or “God, have the pastor call me to the alter for a prophecy.” No. I prayed to have all hell break loose — because that’s how clear I needed things to be. And that’s exactly what happened . . .
No sooner than I got home from church that afternoon, did I get a phone call on my business line from the man’s bitter baby mama.
“Stay the F$%* away from my daughter” she threatened.
The woman had discovered her ex recently introduced me to their daughter. In a fit of rage, she looked up my business number, called me, and threatened to show up at my business if I did not stay away.
The last time I had truly beefed with another woman was in high school. It’s never been my style to be involved in dramatic exchanges and catfights. Yet there I was — finger-snapping, neck-rolling, and telling this woman to talk to her baby daddy and stop calling my phone. 🤦🏾♀️
God couldn’t have been any clearer in His answer to my ridiculous prayer. That relationship and the baby momma gave me hell – and it still took me another few months to truly walk away. Le sigh…
I have learned to take heed when I get a clear insight during prayer. If God said to give it time and take it day by day, that’s what I would do.
Bidding for connection
However, it had been three months and after our last date at Discovery Green, I had begun to develop real feelings for Hairline. I would send little “bids for connection” throughout the week to let him know I was thinking about him.
One evening, while admiring a beautiful orange sunset along the Woodlands Waterway, I snapped a shot and sent a note. “Ever see a pretty sunset and wish someone was there to see it with you?” Later that week, I sent a video recording of my computer screen as I was writing and playing the song he had shared with me at Discovery Green.
According to renowned couple’s therapist, John Gottman, these “bids” build intimacy and bring people closer together emotionally. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but I was making a real effort to connect with him. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Mr. Hairline wasn’t fully there with me. Eventually, I noticed I’d been feeling a bit sad because I was trying to build a connection with him and felt as if I wasn’t getting anywhere.
That’s where I drew the line. Dating is supposed to be fun – not sad.
It was time to release Mr. Hairline. I decided not to run it by Loriel as I did not want to be talked out of my decision. My feelings were loud and clear and I needed to pay attention.
This is why it’s so crucial that we tune into our emotions. In a patriarchal culture, feelings are often villainized, and womanly intuition is undervalued. However, we need our feelings to inform us as we date. Feelings create intuition. And intuition is a woman’s superpower!
“Feelings are not facts.”
“Don’t cry.”
“Get out your feelings.”
“You’re being emotional.”
These statements condition us to believe that feelings are somehow bad. In actuality, feelings offer valuable data about the situations we encounter. If a situation is dangerous, we will likely experience fear or anxiety. When we enter into a place of safety, we will likely experience feelings of peace and calm. If we encounter violence or abuse, we will likely feel anger and rage or fear and sadness.
While feelings are not always accurate and need to be processed as well as understood, they should never be ignored. As a matter of fact, feelings inform every single decision we make in life. There is absolutely no incentive to take action if some shift in feeling is not involved – even if the shift is somewhere wayyyyy down the line in the distant future.
If you struggle with tuning into your emotions, start by printing a copy of this feelings wheel. Check-in daily by finding your emotions on the wheel, as well as the reasons behind those feelings. This will help build your feelings vocabulary and awareness.
A Non-violent Confrontation
Once I noticed that I’d been feeling sad because I had been trying to connect with Hairline to no avail, I decided I would have a phone call to share my thoughts and most likely let him go. As my directive from prayer was to give him time, I didn’t want to completely close the door. Perhaps there was some reason for his emotional unavailability that could be worked through with a bit of vulnerability and communication.
My decision wasn’t impulsive or emotional. However, it was informed by emotion. I thought long and hard about whether or not this would be the best decision, as well as what I would say. I didn’t want to attack the man because he wasn’t meeting my needs. However, I did want to address the problem. I decided to use the assertive communication script that I’ve been teaching clients for years. It’s based on the book Non-Violent Communication, which is a game-changer for healthy relationships.
I said, “I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling disappointed because I’m really trying to connect with you and it doesn’t feel like it’s working. It’s made me sad and maybe that means we’re not a fit. But I wanted to talk to you about it first.”
Y’all, I was proud of myself. This was a big girl conversation. I held the balance of being true to myself and confronting him, while also being vulnerable and feminine. (If you want to learn to do the same, book a communication coaching consultation with me to learn the method I use.)
Hairline was empathetic to my feelings and expressed he also felt disappointed that I had been feeling that way. It sounded as if his disappointment was in himself and the fact that he had been trying to be more open but still left me feeling sad.
We revisited a text conversation I had with him the previous week, asking about his needs. I found it hard to read him and with all of his traveling and working, I couldn’t tell if he needed space while dating or more connection and communication. So, I asked him via text if he would share some of his needs in a relationship. His response: “Maybe.” Hairline explained that needs must be protected because they can be exploited.
I understood what he meant, but that response would not work in a romantic relationship with me. It doesn’t allow for intimacy or knowing one another. Either we choose to trust one another or we don’t.
Hairline admitted that his life was not currently set up to have space to truly accommodate a woman. By the end of the conversation, he committed to figuring out how he could create more space for me and letting me know some of his needs by the end of the week. His words were “I owe you those answers.”
The Fruits of Your Labor
He also shared that for the first time in his relationship history, he felt that he was on an equal playing field. In the past, he was accustomed to doing what he wanted in relationships; however, with me, Mr. Hairline was challenged. He admired that I was empowered and spoke up for myself, but didn’t emasculate him as a man. It made him more attracted to me.
Well, damn. Who is this girl he’s talking about? Is that me? Feeling truly seen by him, I teared up a little bit. It’s taken me years to find that balance he described and here he was noticing and affirming it.
I suppose this is the result of “doing the work” as my good sis, Iyanla, would say.
Through my years of personal development, I’ve learned how to honor myself, as well as the other person in conflict and here I was enjoying the fruits of my labor. I understand that at the end of the day, most of the men I will encounter are not villains seeking to destroy me, but flawed human beings trying to do their best –just as I am. That approach helps me stay soft and flexible, while my commitment to myself helps me set boundaries. It’s one of those rungs I’ve finally reached in the ever-evolving ladder of womanhood.
I was happy with the way our conversation had unfolded. Although there was a real problem to address, I felt understood and validated. Hairline had taken accountability for his unavailability and seemed invested in making it right. If this is how we would manage conflict, it was a good sign. But time would tell if his actions matched with his words.
Word is Bond
The end of the week came. Hairline and I had texted here and there and had a video chat while he was away on a bachelor party trip to Mexico. However, he made no mention of the answers he “owed” me.
I chose not to ask for them because I don’t believe in nagging or running behind grown men to do what they say they will do. It creates a mothering dynamic and I’m just not interested in that. I need to trust that my partner’s word is ironclad. I mean, imagine having a baby with a man who says he will go to buy pampers from the store only to keep forgetting or putting it off. That’s not a partner. That’s another child. I require a man whose word is his bond. That’s a deal breaker for me and it wasn’t the first time Mr. Hairline had broken his word.
Feeling disappointed yet again, I decided Hairline was not the man for me. He came around a week later ready to follow through on his commitment; however, at that point, I had lost faith. He explained that one of the things he needed in his dating experiences was time. Mr. Hairline needed time to work through some of his emotional blocks – just as I had expected.
Hairline may have needed time, but I would need space. Emotional unavailability is dangerous for me because it triggers anxiety and overthinking. Hairline was telling me he wasn’t entirely emotionally available and I needed to listen.
We parted ways with respect and understanding. I would miss him, but I knew it was for the best.
I ate the box of Lemondheads I’d purchased for him and then called Loriel to tell her my decision. She promptly started pulling up Facebook profiles of other men in her circle who might be potential matches. Thank you, next! God, I love that girl!
Make sure you’re subscribed and check back next week to read the juicy details of my favorite date yet! If you’re already a fan of my little dating blog, I would love if you linked this blog on your social media with the caption below (in your own words of course). “I’ve been reading the100 Dates in Houston blog and I’m a fan! The author is a black woman and therapist. If you’re single and dating, a psychology buff, or just a fan of chic lit and romance, check it out.”
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Until Next Time,
Be Blessed!
Kaity
P.S. Did you know that I wrote a journal? I created The Confidence Project Journal for self-reflective women who love journaling and luxury experiences. The luxury VIP package includes 52 journal prompts, a signature gold pen, a gold metal bookmark, a confidence playlist, and souvenir packaging. Click here to purchase your copy!
I’m love how you owned your truth and stood in your power in a very feminine way. Thank you for sharing this interaction.