Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey as a thirty-something woman on a quest to go on100 dates in Houston, Texas. My goal is to connect with the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post, explaining the details of this challenge. In today’s post, I share some of my personal beliefs about gender roles. My position is in no way prescriptive or one-size-fits-all. It’s simply what works for me!

I left you with another cliffhanger there, didn’t I? We left off with date #19 sending me a text asking whether I believed the man should cover all the dates.  Well, I won’t make you wait any longer. Here’s part two of my encounter with Mr. Fifty-Fifty . . . 

Pseudo-feminism

Before I jump back into that text exchange, I should probably share a few things.  If you’ve been a reader from date #1 then you probably already know this, but I’ll reiterate for my newbies. I profess to be a “pseudo-feminist”. 

“What exactly is a ‘pseudo-feminist’?” some have asked.

Well, I believe women should have the same opportunities as men. We should make equal pay for equal work and have the right to safety and body autonomy.  I also believe the lives and contributions of childless and partnerless women still have great value and purpose and therefore ought to be respected and acknowledged. Finally, in 2024 I believe women can be empowered to invite and welcome what they want in dating and romantic relationships rather than sitting back passively, waiting to be chosen.  

However, more extreme third and fourth-wave feminists may suggest that within heterosexual dating relationships, women can also propose marriage, open doors, and cover tabs.  

This is where my feminism ends and I draw the line.  I’M 👏🏾 NOT👏🏾 DOING IT! 

Although I’m always open to exploration and change, there are some gender roles to which I will likely always subscribe, because they make sense in my world. 

By the way, I’m not attempting to convince anyone that my way is the right way. This is where social media tends to screw us up. The internet gurus have attempted to sell us into the belief that there is a formula for love and success. It’s simply not true. As with many aspects of life, in dating and relating there are very few “rights” and “wrongs”.  We choose the values and ideologies that are important to us and design our lives based on those values.

My Justification

Despite my feminist identity, I acknowledge there are some ways in which patriarchy benefits women. And although it’s 2024, we still live in a largely patriarchal society, where men make most of the money and control most of the institutions—from the family to the corporation. That said, I’m not giving up the few social benefits there are to being a woman – especially when it comes to dating.  

Furthermore, if we examine rates of sexual assault, a woman is far more likely than a man to encounter physical violence on a date.  In essence, we put our lives at risk just to go out with men. 

Most men don’t share their location with a friend or have mace in tow “just in case” for a first date. Early in the dating phase, they don’t ponder whether or not it’s safe to allow a new female love interest to come to their homes.  These are the costs of being a woman.  The way I see it, the least a man can do is cover the meal.  

Beyond the cost of womanhood, there are several reasons I will not go fifty-fifty or cover dates during the early stages of dating a man. It’s a topic I’ve pondered at length.  Although I was quickly turned off by his question, I would attempt to communicate my thoughts with Mr. Fifty-Fifty versus immediately writing him off.

Here’s how the conversation went . . .

The Conversation

“I prefer for the man to cover dates in the earlier states because it shows me he has some skin in the game and is willing to invest in his love life,” I responded to his loaded question. 

My approach to relationships is that while a woman can initially show her interest in a man, I don’t believe in women pursuing, chasing, or attempting to lock down relationships with men.  Remember, although we are advancing, the patriarchal norms of our society still dictate that men move relationships forward. In most cases in 2024, if a man doesn’t move a relationship forward, it’s for one of three reasons: he doesn’t want to, he isn’t sure of his partner, or in some way, he isn’t ready as a man.  

Just look at Chrissy Lampkin and Jim Jones, the OG’s of the very first Love and Hip Hop series.  In 2011, Chrissy sat down in front of a room filled with their closest family members and friends and asked Jimmy to marry her. Check out the unforgettable moment below.

Last I heard, almost fifteen years after proposing to him, Chrissy is still trying to get her man-child of a boyfriend to grow up. 

Chrissy is now 52. They are yet to be married. . .

It’s quite logical. If we occupy a relational landscape where men progress relationships, it makes little sense for women to pursue men. It is a waste of time and energy.

It also makes sense to me that if a man is truly ready to pursue something serious, he would be willing to invest time, energy, and resources.  

Now, I realize this isn’t true of all men.  Some men can and will blow cash on women with whom they have no intentions of anything serious. But these men aren’t the norm.  There are also some perfectly capable men who are less traditional and therefore ok with being courted, locked down, and provided for by a woman.  I’m simply not interested in that type of relationship.  

tensions rising

I summarized all these thoughts and asked Mr. Fifty-Fifty how he felt about my answer.  What ensued was a long and convoluted series of indirect responses. 

“Well, I kinda answered it. You see, I respect that you feel his investment up front shows his interest …and I agree..totally agree…but sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes his investments are for the wrong reasons.”

Ok, sir, so do you agree or don’t you, I thought to myself. 😒 His response felt unclear.  

“While he is investing . . . is she even interested?” he went on.  “I guess I just don’t want money to be the way someone shows interest.”

There was that “interest” statement again.  It was beginning to become clear that Mr. Fifty-Fifty was concerned about women using him for his money.  

“The professional women I’ve dated in the past have never had an issue splitting the bills before.  Or sometimes I cover the date and sometimes she covers the date.” 

Why was he telling me about what other women in the past had done? What did those women have to do with me?  I was becoming annoyed.  Something about his responses felt passive-aggressive.

Since he had been the one to broach the topic and it was clearly important to him, I figured Mr. Fifty-Fifty would have a position about moving forward with me one way or another.

I’d shared my position — and wouldn’t be splitting any tabs or covering dates. Now what? 

“So how would you like to move forward?” I asked for clarity.   

“Well, I answered your questions but you seem not to like my answers. LOL” he responded.

No matter how I asked the question, Mr. Fifty-Fifty seemed to dodge a clear response.  

But he was right about one thing. I was becoming increasingly annoyed by his indirect answers.  I decided our conversation had gone further than it should have gone via text and suggested it would be best to continue with a phone call so we wouldn’t get lost in the weeds. 

The Final Straw

Two days after our text exchange, I called Mr. Fifty-Fifty.  I knew I would not be budging on my approach to dating – at least not without good reason. So, I wanted to find out if my date would be ok with my approach or if it would be best to part ways.

I started the conversation. “So my approach to dating in the early stages is that I prefer a man to cover our dates.  It helps me to feel more secure and taken care of.  It also lets me know he sees some value in covering me and has some skin in the game – even if the date is very low cost. ” 

See, I wasn’t trying to fight this man or argue my position. I attempted to be as non-aggressive as possible.  I used “feelings” words and spoke to the supposedly natural masculine drive to protect. 

In a slow, high-pitched, and borderline condescending manner, Mr. Fifty-Fifty replied, “Well, the way I approach things is that it’s not my job to make ANYbody feel secure. I don’t mind covering, but if I cover it’s because that’s what I want to do, regardless of anybody’s security.  You should be secure on your own before you come to me.”

The writing was on the wall and I could tell the discussion would lead nowhere. In the words of Jay-Z after he cheated on Beyonce, this man “didn’t have the tools”. If he didn’t believe that one of the primary roles of a man was to provide safety and security (emotional at the very least), I had nothing for him. 

a losing battle

But instead of ending the call, I allowed myself to become caught up in a losing battle. Admittedly, my reaction was driven as much by a desire to defend myself as it was a desire for kicks and giggles. I find it entertaining when men start spewing foolishness and just saying any ole’ thing — especially when it’s done in desperate attempts to make women feel small. I suppose it’s the dark side of my naturally curious nature. Sometimes I just wanna hear what people will come up with.  What can I say? I’m human – God’s still working on me. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I responded to Mr. Fifty-Fifty’s statement that I “should” be secure before coming to him.

“I’m not referring to my security in myself. Part of the reason I take the position I do is because I know the value that I bring. I know the experience a person will have with me. I know the work I’ve done as a woman. And I want to know that whoever I’m dating can also see it. I’m referring to the emotional and relational security that comes with knowing a man is invested.”

Mr. Fifty-Fifty doubled down on his position that providing security was not his job.  He insisted it was unnecessary to spend money to show interest and that the elders who raised him never made money a factor in dating.

It felt as if we were speaking two different languages. I never said that money must be spent to show interest. I simply conveyed that I don’t believe in covering the costs when money does need to be spent in the courting phase.  Plan a picnic or something, brotha – I don’t know! 🤷🏾‍♀️

What Mr. Fifty-Fifty failed to realize was that by discussing who would cover the costs of dates and making money a “thing” so early on, he was indeed making money a prominent factor in his dating experiences. It was a classic demonstration of The Streisand Effect. He caused the very thing he wanted to avoid. 

In reality, I’m more than willing to contribute here and there, when it makes sense.  For example, during my three-part date with Mr. Hairline, I paid for our slushies on the rooftop of Post Houston.  During my weekend with Blasian Bae, I covered the add-on ticket for the butterfly exhibit of the Museum of Natural Science, while he covered all of our meals and museum admission.  I’m a team player — a little bit! 😂😂

Our intense discussion continued. I pointed out that the mere fact that I had called him, attempting to understand his position was an indication of my interest beyond money. 

Mr. Fifty-Fifty replied once again in a high-pitched tone, “Might be. Might be not. There are many times when it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, but it’s actually a pig.”

I had heard enough. It was clear Mr. Fifty-Fifty wouldn’t see me for me.

Furthermore, a man who believes it is not his job to provide a woman with emotional security is also a man who isn’t aligned with my understanding of healthy masculinity. 

Did I mention this was the same man who championed the importance of having a partner who would “let him lead” the home? 😒

Try as I might, I still cannot understand his boy math. According to him, denying his role to provide emotional security + requiring his partner to split expenses = his appointment as leader of his household. 🤨 Make it make sense.

Towards the end of our exchange, Mr. Fifty told me he had never had anyone “come at him” in such a way. His tone conveyed shock, confusion, and a bit of judgement. 

I asked, “Come for you in what way?” When someone says you “came for” them, it’s usually an indication of aggression.

He explained, “Come for me saying they need to be covered in order to feel secure.”

I shot back, “I didn’t ‘come for you’. You asked me what my thoughts were and I shared my feelings.  It sounds like you think I’m being aggressive with you.” 

Admittedly, by this point, I was no longer in my “feminine energy” and was challenging this man on his passive -aggression. It was not my proudest moment to be carrying on with someone I barely knew in such a way. 

Mr. Fifty-Fifty began to talk over me while also assigning me a nickname. “Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai.  Let me make something clear to you. I’m a very positive person. I’m not like one of these other guys. I’m not a therapy patient. If you decide you don’t want to speak to me tomorrow, or ever again, I’m all good. Either way, it’s fine. It’s alllll good!”

He was saying so much without saying much at all. He was putting me in my place and letting me know he wasn’t like “those other guys”. Yet at the same time, he wouldn’t let me go or make a clear call about our dating future.

I was done arguing. I released him with my classic line. “(Mr. Fifty-Fifty), given the conversation, it looks like we’re not aligned. I wish you the best.”

“Cool! Deuces!”

Although Mr. Fifty-Fifty said it was all good and fine, his last two words to me conveyed that it was not, in fact, “all good”. 

Oh well. Another on bites the dust!

Do Better, ladies

Arguments and passive-aggression aside, Mr. Fifty-Fifty taught me a thing or two.

As I hear more and more men talk about their dating experiences, it’s become clear that women are responsible for some of the relationship woes we experience as a gender. 

There’s no question that historically, too many of us have used men for the sole purposes of money, resources, and social elevation.  What started out as survival has somehow evolved into scheming and plotting on how we can convince our male suitors to buy bags and pay bills, knowing we have no real interest in them as human beings.  We manipulate with crocodile tears and sob stories, all in the hopes of monetary gain. We then turn around and judge these same men for lacking resources or “being broke”.

And then we wonder why so many men are suspicious of our intentions and unwilling to share their resources.  It’s simple — we’ve traumatized them!  It’s a problem that we’ve created and therefore, we can also be a part of the solution.  

Of course, this is not all women – or even most women.  But it does apply to some women.

If we are trying to do the work, improve our relational landscapes, and remove the “pee” from the proverbial dating pool, we will have to do better. The same way we ask men to call out their male counterparts for womanizing, misogynistic behavior, we can call out our sisters for the behaviors that are silently destructive towards men. We can think twice before we throw “sprinkle sprinkle” tips into the group chat. We can – you know – just be decent human beings.

What did you think of my discussion with Mr. Fifty-Fifty? Would you have split the tab? I want to hear from you in the comments! Until next time, be blessed! ~Kaity