Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey as a thirty-something woman on a quest to100 dates in Houston, Texas. My goal is to connect with the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post, explaining the details of this challenge. In today’s post, we explore reading the signs and how to respond when a man says he isn’t ready.

It’s been about two weeks since my date with the Angolan and over a month since I’ve seen The Comedian.  For the first time in quite some time, there are a few men on my phone.  Even Mr. Hairline has resurfaced after we bumped into each other one Tuesday night at Urban Social. Life has been busy! 

Having a rotation isn’t exactly a cakewalk. More dates equals less personal time. It also requires more mindfulness in allocating attention and energy to each man. Both The Angolan and The Comedian have alluded to feeling neglected and not getting enough attention— feedback I’ve never received from a man. No, I’m not obligated to give either my attention. But showing interest and availability is a part of dating, right? So, I guess I gotta do a little something. Whew — this is work. 😅

In addition to balancing a rotation, I’ve been traveling a bit. Loriel and I took a trip to Vegas to see my first true love in concert.  Can you guess who? We dressed up, ate well, and reverted to our college days, playing silly games with boys.  Well, I played games while she played my wing-woman.

Mr. Positivity

After returning from the Usher concert, I finally coordinated with a man I had been entertaining for a little over a month.  We met in a Facebook group connecting people in Houston.  It’s been an excellent resource and I’ve gained a few solid connections from there. Don’t sleep on the power of being social in Facebook groups to enhance your dating life. If you’re not the type to “go outside” often, it’s a decent alternative to the endless swiping and surface-level exchanges on dating apps.  

We will call date #15 “Mr. Positivity” because he always has a positive response to everything – so much so that I wonder if it’s authentic.  Mr. Positivity saw a comment I made in the group regarding a business endeavor and DM’d me to follow up.  

As we chatted during the next few days, the conversation shifted from business to pleasure.  When he learned that I was new to the city, Mr. Positivity suggested a few Houston hot spots that newbies and tourists should experience.  After inquiring about my interests, he eventually offered to treat me to a poetry show, suggesting that it would make his night if I obliged. We considered his night made.

In the days leading up to our meetup, Mr. Positivity sent me various “good morning” and “hey pretty lady” messages which led to satisfying text exchanges. I got the sense that he had a good head on his shoulders.  Based on his Facebook activity, he seemed to be well-known and established in his professional endeavors.  Although our conversation had started about business, I was also catching flirty vibes.

The night before our get-together, Mr. Positivity requested a phone call. It would be our first.  I agreed that it was a good idea to have a phone conversation before meeting in person – and I’m so glad we did. . .

Curiosity killed the cat

During that conversation, with curiosity leading the way, I saw the opportunity to ask Mr. Positivity a sharp and pointed question.  I asked because, sure, I wanted to understand my date better; however, I must admit I also wanted to satisfy my desire for entertainment.  What can I say – it’s fun to challenge men with sharp questions and see how they respond. If a girl must go on 100 dates to meet her match, why spend them asking about favorite colors and birth signs? Might as well throw some loops into the conversation and see how it goes! I knew my question was a bit audacious, but inquired anyway, figuring it would lead to an interesting answer.  

The stage was set for my question as we chatted about some of the salty, done-with-love posts shared to the group in which we met. While speaking about dating in Houston, Mr. Positivity shared that, for him, dating had not been hard. In fact, there were lots of great women in his dating pool.  His feedback was consistent with some of the comments I’d seen him share in the group. I raised an eyebrow.  🤔

 While I can appreciate the sentiments behind a positive outlook on dating, most single people who desire partnership in 2023 feel that dating is akin to taking a dip in the proverbial pee pool. Something felt off. Perhaps he wasn’t single?

I asked my first pointed question. “Are you single?”

Mr. Positivity responded in the affirmative, setting me up for my second pointed question.

“Since dating has been so easy for you, why are you single?” 

My theory was that if dating is “easy” for a man, he must have met at least one woman with whom he could consider a relationship.  He must be meeting good women and having positive experiences.  If said man is still single, there must be some reason for his singleness.  Something wasn’t adding up.

A Curveball

“Oh. I’m single by choice. There are several women I know who all could be considered wifey material.  But I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Boom! There was the curveball.

I then made my final inquiry of the evening. “So, if you’re not ready for a relationship, when you go out with a woman on a date, what are you hoping to gain?”

Mr. Positivity, answered honestly — and I judged the hell outta him. He stated that he doesn’t like to use the term “date” because it implies pressure for a romantic relationship to form.  Instead, he prefers to “connect” and does so with both women and men.  He explained that many people miss out on great connections with the opposite sex because they’re hyper-focused on romance and relationships. He shared personal stories of female friends falling for him, misreading signals, and trying to place him in the “relationship” box. 

Let’s Just Be Friends

I agreed with one point made by Mr. Positivity.  Men and women often objectify one another for sex and relationships. We often discard one another, finding no value in the relationship once romance or lust is taken off the table.  What a waste of perfectly good connections.

If you’re a woman who’s ever enlisted the help of a male friend to decipher a cryptic text message from a man, then you know – there’s value in having true friends of the opposite sex.  It’s possible that your wildly attractive coworker could make a better business partner than life partner. We never know what type of value we miss when we box people into the confines of romance and sex.  

However,  something about the way Mr. Positivity was going about this exchange felt icky to me.  He didn’t want to use the term “date” because it implied expectations.  Although his flirting and offering to take me out suggested that this was a date, he would rather knit-pick semantics and call it “connecting”.  He insisted upon planning the evening, telling me not to worry when I offered help with coordinating an itinerary.  He informed me of the dress code, gave me only an address, and denied my request to know the name of the establishment we would be visiting. Everything about this exchange said “date”.

Mr. Positivity’s pre-date behavior activated all of the little characters that constitute my personality.  The pseudo-feminist shouted “so, you’re just gonna let him make all the decisions here? You don’t get a say?” Simultaneously, the lover in me was intrigued by his assertiveness and the element of surprise that he attempted to create.  The loudest was the sage. She rolled her eyes at his mixed messages and lack of clarity. 

Call A Thing a Thing

If a man is not ready for a relationship, that’s his truth.  He’s entitled to entertain women just for fun, lust, or whatever other purposes he desires. 

But in the words, of Auntie Iyanla, “Let’s call a thing a thing, people!”

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. This might have been the datey-est predate preparation I had experienced from a man since arriving in Houston.  Mr. Positivity paid attention, inquiring about my interests and preferences before suggesting to take me out.  He took the initiative to choose the location without any work on my end.  He shared the dress code and even added an element of mystery and anticipation by keeping the location obscure. Yet, this wasn’t a date.🙄  

This felt like a situationship waiting to happen. It was as if Mr. Positivity was trying to woo me while adding an “I was honest and told you I wasn’t ready” disclaimer.  If desires or expectations formed, he would be blameless.  

I decided that since we had already made plans and I had committed to the occasion, I would follow through and join Mr. Positivity for a “connection”.  But I had heard him loud and clear.  We weren’t aligned. A man who isn’t ready isn’t a man one that I will give much time – but nothing wrong with some fun here and there.

FAO Houston 

On the day of our date, Loriel and I put on our sleuth hats and found the clues telling me where I would join Mr. Positivity for the evening.  There was no way I was going to meet up with a man for the first time without knowing exactly where I would be and what I would be doing.  If for nothing else, I needed to know whether flats or a casual heel would be appropriate.  

Our first few Google searches of the address he had given led only to a parking lot. Loriel eventually started calling out businesses nearby–one of which was an arcade/ speakeasy/bar combination called FAO Houston.  Bingo!  Mr. Positivity had asked me if I’m competitive and enjoy games, as well as if I drink at all.  Looks like we would be spending the evening at an adult arcade.  

As with most speakeasies, the entrance to FAO Houston is a bit obscure.  They are situated on the third floor of an office building. Upon entering, guests must enter a code to open the lobby door before taking the elevator up to their location.  The obscurity added an air of mystery and adventure, even though I had an idea of what to expect on the other side.  

When I arrived, I told Mr. Positivity that I had parked my car in the lot across the street.  He insisted it would likely be towed and assisted me in finding a better location.  He refused to allow me to touch any doors and helped me up and down every step.  I sensed that he enjoyed being in the masculine, protective role and so I allowed myself to recline comfortably into the feminine – it was nice not to have to do anything. 

But with every gesture of protection and masculinity, I made sure to “bust his chops” as my dad would say. “Oh, you’re paying for my drink? I thought this wasn’t a date?” “Really? You want to take a picture before we leave? It’s not a first-date picture, right?” I teased relentlessly. I met his mixed messages with my own form of indirect communication: sarcasm and subtle passive aggression.

Though Mr. Positivity shared some of his hobbies and a bit about his family as we chatted in between games, a majority of the conversation was about his work and achievements.  I sensed that he took pride in what he did. 

We ventured to the terrace outside for a game of jumbo-sized Jenga, during which I talked all the smack. I defeated my masculine opponent in both Jenga and Packman, while he defeated me in skeeball and basketball – my hand-eye coordination is trash 🚮.  

Because I knew that this date with Mr. Positivity would likely not lead anywhere, I felt no need to ask pointed questions or collect data.  We simply had fun playing games and getting to know each other.

Five Central

As we wrapped up at the arcade, my date asked me if I would like to head to a second location for live music.  I was having a good enough time and I felt cute in my Canadian tuxedo look. I wanted to see and be seen.

Once again, feeling my way through with intuition, I felt safe to ride with Mr. Positivity. We hopped in his car and made our way to Five Central for their Friday night live music set.  I had been there many times for their Tuesday Latin night, but never on a Friday night.  It would be fun to see the difference in the venue with a more soulful crowd in attendance.

Five Central is not fancy, nor is it chic. But if you enjoy live music and don’t mind the possibility of having to stand when seating runs out, it gets the job done.  That night, the bar was teeming with Black folk – some of whom were acquaintances of Mr. Positivity. He dapped up the men as they complimented me and did not correct them as they alluded to us being a couple. 

While we chatted with his associates as they came and went, I got the sense that Mr. Positivity was well-respected within his circle. His people spoke highly of him – a good sign in my eyes.

The Wrap UP

The morning after our date, Mr. Positivity sent me a DM. “You are as fun as you are beautiful.  Not many women intrigue me, but you are one of the few.”

I thought to myself, Thank you for sharing.  That’s all fine and good. I know I’m wonderful. But that wasn’t a date – remember? 🙄

I wasn’t just annoyed by this date’s behavior — I was repelled. You see, a man doesn’t have to want a future with me, but he also can’t play with me. The contradictions between Mr. Positivity’s words and actions were not a call to my unhealed parts, summoning me to prove my worth in the hopes of making him ready to pursue. His contradictions were, plain and simple, a turn-off.

Looking back, I realize I could have been completely wrong about my date sending me mixed signals. Perhaps Mr. Positivity treated all of the women in his life this way –platonic and even familial. Perhaps he calls us all beautiful. Maybe he plans fun and mysterious get togethers for all of his female friends, and then covers the tab at the end of the night. Maybe this is just how he shows up as a man. Who knows.🤷🏾‍♀️

Mr. Positivity was a gentleman. He did all the right things — for a man trying to court a woman.  But he wasn’t trying to court. He wasn’t trying to date. He was trying to “connect”. So, I would file him as another “connection” in Houston. 

Back to the drawing board, my loves! The journey continues…

What did you think about date #15? Did Mr. Positivity throw you for a loop as well? Leave me a comment and don’t forget, you can support this project by tapping the “buy me a coffee” tab or sharing this post in one of your online circles. Let’s build this community. Until next time, be blessed! ~Kaity