Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey as a thirty-something woman on a quest to100 dates in Houston, Texas. The goal? To connect with the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post. It explains the details of this challenge. Today, we’re jumping into the aftermath of date #11 with Blasian Bae, which has been my favorite date thus far!

CLoud 9

A month has passed since my last date and I think I’m finally ready to give you all my update on Blasian Bae. I was on cloud nine for the first few days after his trip here. Like a schoolgirl, I told my girlfriends all the juicy details and shared photos of us that we’d taken at the museum and community service project. I smiled reminiscing on those perfect kisses and even considered joining Blasian Bae in Mexico (he flew straight there from Houston after our date and planned to work there for the week).

Let me tell you – I’ve dated men who weren’t permitted to leave the state, let alone take spontaneous trips outside the country at a moment’s notice. Here was a man who could match my wanderlust spirit and traveled at the drop of a hat.   

Standards and Boundaries

In about a month, Blasian Bae managed to check off seventeen of the twenty-seven items on my “man list”. I started this list of personal standards while working with my friend and Coach, Joyice (if you need a coach, check her out) in 2021 and have been tweaking it ever since. Each standard has a corresponding boundary that serves as the “why” justifying my standard.  

For example, my standard that a man must have been in therapy in the past has a corresponding boundary which states that “I will not do all of the emotional labor in a relationship”. Tough emotional labor is second nature for me given my profession, but it’s very mentally and emotionally unhealthy for me in a relationship. It turns into mothering or analyzing quite easily. The Bottom line is I can’t be his therapist! I will be a primary emotional support, but I can’t do it on my own.  

In life, I’ve learned that the best decisions involve buy-in from both the head and the heart. In therapy, that intersection of the head (known as the logical mind) and heart (know as the emotional mind) is called the “wise mind”. The best mate will rest well with both our hearts and our heads – not just one or the other.

The standards and boundaries list has helped me balance my heart and operate in my “wise mind” while dating. When the lover in me is led by emotions and wants to leap ahead with a man who cannot offer what I need long term, the standards and boundaries list serves as the “head”, bringing in the logic needed to make a sound decision. It’s been one of my favorite takeaways from coaching.  

Here are some of the standards that Blasian Bae fit right off the bat:

• He follows through on his word.
• He is child-free.
• He respects my boundaries.
• He is open to trying and learning new things.
• He displays compassion, empathy, and kindness.
• He has his own transportation and living space.

In addition to these standards, I loved Blasian Bae’s personality. He was confident, funny, kind, and easy-going. Then there were those kisses – perhaps the best of my life…  

The dealbreaker

However, there was one standard upon which I wasn’t sure where Blasian Bae stood. Did he have a relationship with the God of the Bible? 

Please, God, let him know You! 🙏🏾

About two weeks after our date in Houston, Blasian Bae and I began to discuss our next rendezvous. The plan was that I would fly to him on the East Coast. However, my conscience would not let me proceed without knowing where he stood on faith. I had expected the topic would naturally emerge during one of our conversations; however, it never did – which was also telling.

Truth be told, I didn’t even want to ask the question. I sincerely liked Blasian Bae and was having far too wonderful a  time getting to know him. My intuition told me he had a good heart in his chest and a sound head on his shoulders.   

At the same time, I had a feeling I knew what his answer would be. He never mentioned church on Sundays and didn’t pray at mealtimes. He dropped F-bombs here and there. (Not gonna lie – I kinda liked that about him. What is it about a little edge that is so sexy?) No signs pointed to Blasian Bae practicing Christianity from a traditional lens.

Three days after receiving a cute birthday package in the mail from my Blasian suitor, I called him to broach the topic. I explained that faith was important to me in choosing a partner and I needed to know where he stood before moving forward.  

Blasian Bae shared that while he believes the Bible is a guide for moral living, he doesn’t necessarily believe that there is only one God or that the Bible is an accurate report of history or spirituality. He holds no issue with people who pray but personally, doesn’t feel that prayer is necessary. He hadn’t been to church in years. 

I asked him how he practices his spirituality and what he would do if a loved one were sick with a serious diagnosis over which he had no control. Blasian Bae answered that he would think about them and wish them well, but did not use prayer as a form of coping.  

Christians often receive a bad rep for being judgmental – and if I’m being totally honest, sometimes we are. However, this was not that. My questions came not from a place of judgment but from genuine curiosity and a desire to understand him. I needed to determine if his practice might complement my own spiritual life. However, at this point, I could no longer deny it. My standards list stated that my partner needed to have a relationship with the God of the Bible, which included prayer, prioritizing spiritual enrichment, and ethical living — because I need to be spiritually enriched by and with my husband.  

With disappointment in my voice, I let Blasian Bae know that because spiritual alignment was important to me, I could not move forward.

In his light southern drawl, he replied “Well, I’m disappointed, but I hope you find what you’re looking for.”  😭

He didn’t try to play it cool or act unbothered. Nor did he become defensive and mean. His kindness and honesty only made it harder for me.  

Royal rumble: feelings edition

The days following that conversation felt like a WWE wrestling match with my feelings. Sadness stood in one corner. She’s a familiar foe. She reminded me that this was yet another occasion in which I was walking away from a man to opt for a single life. 

Across the ring from sadness, was frustration. It felt like a bad joke that I could meet someone who would match so many of my values, but not one of the most important. 

In between blows from sadness and frustration, confusion landed a few uppercuts. I questioned my values and wondered which was more important: a man who professes Christianity or a man who walks according to universal principles of kindness and morality. One might think that I wouldn’t have to choose because a Christian man would automatically demonstrate compassion and ethical living – but history has shown me that is not necessarily the case. 🙄

Confusion tag teamed with anxiety. Had I made the wrong decision? Perhaps I was being foolish by letting Blasian Bae go?  Would I ever figure out this relationship thing, or would I continue to get in my way? I found myself struggling to sleep as I tossed and turned with thoughts to consider. 

While it would have been so much easier, I knew no one could give me the answer to my question. — this was between me and my God.

On top of my dating life, I was beginning to feel the weight of living alone in a new city. I had hit the four-month mark of living in Houston and the honeymoon phase was beginning to wear off. The ten-lane highways (I’m exaggerating only a teeny bit) with their left, right, and center exits were beginning to aggravate me. My time outside, my favorite place to be, was limited by the sweltering one-hundred-degrees-plus temperatures. I lived alone and worked from home alone.  I missed my family and community. Unlike when I was traveling as a digital nomad, I didn’t have world wonders to visit every weekend, keeping my mind distracted and my dopamine pumping.  Simultaneously, I was feeling all the feels common to relocating AND dating. I was overwhelmed.  

Lost in the wilderness

So I did what I always do when I don’t know what else to do. I went into my prayer closet. I searched the scriptures and prayed for insight. It’s always been important to me to honor God with my decisions. Of course, I don’t always get it right, but I try. While I didn’t believe that this decision would necessarily dishonor God, I was concerned about how it might impact my spiritual well-being and that of my (potential) children. Yet at the same time, it wasn’t sitting right with my soul to let Blasian Bae go. It’s fascinating – and utterly exhausting – how one mind can hold two completely polarized desires at the same time.  I felt lost and needed God to help guide me to the best path.

For a while, I was stuck. Part of me wanted to backtrack and tell him that I had perhaps made a mistake. However, another part of me said that would be like abandoning my faith. A spiritual relationship was still important to me. Prayer was still a powerful act in my book and something I still wanted my partner to do for me. If I was willing to trade that desire for any particular man, then how important was any other aspect of my faith? I couldn’t in good conscious cherry-pick where I wanted my faith to apply and where it wouldn’t. If I wasn’t going to factor it into one of the biggest decisions of my life – choosing my life partner – why factor it into anything else?

A wise woman once said, “When you don’t know what to do, do nothing.” I didn’t want to allow my emotional wrestling match to run the show. I also didn’t want to jerk Blasian Bae around by backtracking on my decision when I still hadn’t reached clarity about my values. The wise woman was right. In the words of Coach Joyice, I needed to “Feel n Chill”.  

So, that’s what I did. I chilled and felt the sadness, confusion, and anxiety without taking a definitive action. I waited for answers and clarity. About two weeks later, reprieve came –it always does. While on the phone for one of our afternoon chats, Loriel offered a solution that settled my soul.  

Middle Ground

“Why don’t you talk to him and see if he’s willing to share in your faith with you? Maybe he might be willing to participate, even if he doesn’t right now on his own” she suggested.

Bingo! This was the middle ground that I had been hoping for. Why hadn’t I thought of this sooner? Other people have asked for more.🤷🏾‍♀️ In Sex and The City, before he could consider her for marriage, Harry told Charlotte he would need her to convert to Judaism. If you happen to be a fan of the spin-off, And Just Like That, then you know that now — twenty years later — they’re still going strong. Never mind the fact that they’re fictional characters. Doesn’t matter — I’m trying to have my happily ever after too. 🙃

Loriel and I agreed that if he wasn’t willing to share in my faith with me, then I could more confidently say that we weren’t a match. A union void of spiritual experiences, faith-based conversations, and prayer with my husband was not the kind of marriage I wanted. But what if Blasian Bae was open to exploring and sharing in this area of my life? Perhaps I could have my happily ever after too.  

I sat with the idea for another two days and called Blasian Bae on a Monday evening to share what was on my mind. I was nervous, knowing that I could be setting myself up for rejection.  Spinning the block after you’ve rejected someone, regardless of the reason, is always a slippery slope. I would need to be vulnerable, authentic, and clear on my position.  

Of course, he did not answer his phone that night and I had no choice but to sit with my thoughts and feelings a bit longer.  

I hate to do this to you, but we’re going to have to stop here. What do you think? Will I have another chance at my happy ending or will Blasian Bae send me packing? Leave a comment with your prediction and check back next week to find out!

Until Next Time!

Kaity